Ask a lesbian question, get a sarcastic answer.

This question is part of some lingering misconceptions about how the whole toaster oven process works after some recent drastic changes, something LGBTHQ is eager to clear up so they stop receiving nagging calls like ‘I don’t really like toaster ovens, can I get a George Foreman grill instead?’ and ‘Where’s my toaster oven? I just turned my first girl! Well, she was drunk. And she might have been a guy. But still, where is it?!’

In short, rather than receiving a toaster oven for every woman converted to the dyke side, a lesbian must reach a certain quota to qualify, which varies depending on certain criteria.

Back in the old days, it was a toaster oven for every sale (and wooden spoons, before that). These days, though, IKEA the company that deals with providing the kitchen appliances just can’t handle the sheer numbers of applications so they had to pull back. It’s all about profit, you understand. I’ve even heard talk of doing away with the toaster ovens altogether and instead providing a celebratory plaque.

So to answer your question - technically, no. If the girl is bisexual, it only counts as half a conversion. It’s tough and pedantic, I know, but this is the economy we live in right now.

Having said that, some of the older lesbians are relieved at the change in the rules - you can imagine that you start to run out of shelf space after forty years of life on the force. There’s only so many times you can dreamily tell your friends, ‘Oh, I got this one back during the Tumblr Flame Wars back in 2011… That was a good year…’

Well, I suck. I’ll answer some now.

Anonymous asked: for the past month or so, i've been having feelings for one of my best friends. we've known each other for years. she's been there for me day in, day out, whenever i have a bad day at school she'll always come running up and make me feel better. we like all the same stuff and all the same food... and she smells really good.

I think i'm in love with her. but I know my parents will never approve. how can I convince them that i don't need anyone else, my dog is the one?

I was looking through my ask box at the old questions* and this was here.

Read it all.

*sorry if I never got around to your question back then

I promise I won’t keep making Dianna Agron or plaid jokes this time

We’ve discussed this before, anon, back when you managed to confuse ‘scissoring’ with using actual scissors. Office supplies are not suitable replacements for sex toys.

… unless your girlfriend has a sharpener vagina, in which case she can audition for Teeth 2?

Idea shamelessly taken from a submission to lgbtlaughs, so no need to point it out. These are all genuine.

Silly anon, that’s because having sex with women doesn’t count.

At least, that’s what men and straight women always tell me…

 touristseason replied to your post: I’ve just heard of the term ‘HOCD’

isn’t this the same thing as homophobia?

Internalised homophobia? Pretty much, but I guess when it’s all you can think about… xD

i.e. homosexual obsessive-compulsive disorder.

HOCD is a form of obsessive compulsive disorder that deals with one’s sexual identity. It’s based around the fear that one might become or somehow is homosexual, with this notion going against all rational and actuality of that person’s sexual identity as a heterosexual. In part, the fears are that of impulse and loss of control, where one feels overwhelming anxiety around the intrusive thoughts of being sexual and passionate with another member of the same sex. 

I’m not sure how I feel about this…